Are you constantly in a bad mood due to frequent quarrels, and in bed things have been going on for a long time? Perhaps you should think about breaking up with this person. The following symptoms will help you make the right decision.
1. He constantly grumbles at you
Does your boyfriend constantly complain about something, say what you should do, and point out the alleged mistakes? Does he not accept your opinion and arguments? Well-intentioned criticism is great if it motivates you. But besides criticism there should be pleasant words - they express love.
2. There is little or no tenderness between you
Physical intimacy is very important for a healthy relationship. Can't you remember when you kissed passionately or hugged tenderly at a meeting? Of course, there are phases in which, due to stress or feeling unwell, nothing happens between you. But when one of you avoids intimacy and intimacy, this is an alarming signal.
3. You no longer laugh together
Humor unites people. Did his jokes seem funny to you before, but now are silly? Think about whether it suits you.
4. He commands you
Either you do as he wants, or a quarrel begins. But you are not his servant! Never let neglect your own needs for love!
5. He spends more time with friends
Men need to communicate with friends - this is quite normal. But when you sit at home every weekend, and he finds an excuse, just to not meet with you, it's time to think about the prospect of your relationship. The same is true if you feel like nothing more than a sex toy for him.
6. Your relationship is one-way
One only gives, the other only accepts - there is nothing good about it. Any relationship is based on reciprocity and mutual actions. Do not let yourself be used! Make sure he invests in relationships.
7. He acts like a master
Love has nothing to do with constant control. When you have to make excuses for any trifle, and your partner arranges jealousy scenes for no reason, love quickly dies. Everyone has the right to personal freedom in relations, friendship with other people and their own interests.
8. Do you react to other men
Are you more interested in a new handsome colleague than your boyfriend? It’s time to ask why you are still meeting him.
9. He is deceiving you
Treason is the strongest blow to trust. If you find that he shared a bed with another woman, do not try to look for an excuse for him - it is better to immediately delete from your life. You will not be able to trust him, and he is unlikely to stop on one betrayal. Feeling that you have accepted him and forgiven, the man will again begin to walk on the side.
10. There are no more topics to talk about.
It doesn’t matter whether you are sitting at the table or taking a vacation: are you silent because you have already told each other? This is a clear sign that you are ready to live separately from each other.
11. He is afraid of a shared future
Does he never talk about marriage or children? And she doesn’t want to go on vacation with you because she has to work? Has he planned another event on your sister’s wedding day? Most likely, he is not ready to connect his life with yours and considers you a temporary option. It's time to leave!
12. He forgets important events
On Valentine's Day, you did not hear a kind word, not to mention a gift. He forgot the anniversary date of your relationship and your birthday too. Well, your union can be officially buried.
13. He uses physical abuse
Some men are not averse to raising a hand on their woman and teaching her a lesson by force. From such a person you need to run away as quickly as possible. This is a sinking ship that will drag you to the bottom - a hospital bed, loss of personality, or even life. No woman deserved to be a bat!
14. You do not recognize him and yourself
You got the feeling that both of you have changed for the worse. He is not at all what he was at the beginning of the relationship. Of course, pink glasses fall over time - this is the norm. But if you lost your interests and friends with his appearance, you seemed to be different, you need to think about his influence on you.
15. You feel good when he's not around
He was on a business trip for a whole week, and you never even thought about him? Do you find it much more pleasant to be at home alone or to meet friends than to spend time with him? Does his presence alone make you nervous? Do thoughts of a future together scare you? You know what to do.
16. Do you feel miserable
This is a clear sign that it is time to leave. Why be with someone who provokes negative emotions and is not able to make you happy? Anyone who feels unloved, unwanted in a relationship at risk of becoming depressed is a very dangerous condition.
Break up or too early?
Surely every person at least once in his life experienced certain problems in his relationship with his soulmate. Each girl has different reasons that make you think whether to part with or not with a guy. It doesn’t matter if you ceased to feel returns from him; he cheated on you, deceived or betrayed him - there is a way out of any situation. Let's look at some tips to help you answer the question of how to understand that it's time to part with a guy.
Analyzing the pros and cons
Before deciding it's time to break up, analyze the guy’s behavior and personality traits. Think about it, is there something that you are not able to accept? Even if it was originally a little different, do not think that only you overlooked and to blame. People tend to change. This can especially happen when changing the environment, occupation or place of residence.
Think about it, would you like to change something in your man? If the answer is yes, then do not try to charge him with inaction. Everything must be fair. A person will change only if you are also ready to apply a different model of behavior.
- If the advantages of your young man far outweigh the shortcomings, then it is worth maintaining this relationship.
- If the flaw is too significant, for example, one with which you cannot reconcile, then you should think about a break.
- Do not think that a person will not change for the better. Tell him what doesn't suit you. Perhaps your boyfriend’s first defensive reaction will be mixed. Suppose he tells you that he’s not going to change. But in such a situation, do not rush to break off relations. Probably the person said so in a rash. Let him get used to the new information. Wait a bit, maybe the person will gradually become different (the way you would like to see him).
The influence of past experience
The following situation: in the past relationships you were hurt (cheated, used violence, lied, etc.), now you think that the further you go with the current guy, the worse it will be morally worse for you later. But where did you get the idea that all men are the same? Drop all stereotypes, do not hang the stigma on others. Carefully study the young man, do not immediately rush into relationships, since you are so afraid. If you talked for a long time, recognized the guy, and you liked everything, then go ahead, build love again. Breaking the relationship in this case is not an option. Do not upset people because you cannot solve your personal problems that arose in the past.
I don't want to hurt him
The worst thing any girl or guy can do is to meet with a partner out of pity. Or do not end the relationship just because you do not want to upset the person. Believe me, you are doing worse for yourself and the second half. Why are you pulling time, because every day the number of moments spent together is increasing, your boyfriend thinks that everything is becoming more serious with you. Take responsibility. Do a real thing that even your partner will later appreciate when he comes to his senses. Think you care about a man holding him close? In fact, on the contrary, it is very selfish.
- If you think that in these relations there really is no future, then rather make a decision about the breakup so that the partner recovers as soon as possible after the breakup and finds a suitable pair.
- Do not look for the perfect moment to break up. He is simply not there. Use any day, place and time for this. Go for it!
I'm afraid to be alone
Also a very common situation in which girls rack their brains, deciding whether to leave or not. Staying with a partner just because you don’t want to be alone is unfair to your other half. To benefit from people is very vile. Put yourself in the place of this person. Surely you would be unpleasant to be used.
I stopped loving him
Be prepared to recognize and accept the fact that you have stopped loving your partner (or he is you). Of course it hurts. But if this happened without any external reasons (betrayal, close communication with the opposite sex, lies, inappropriate behavior), there is no point in looking for the guilty in this situation. Unfortunately, the feelings go away.
Be optimistic: it only means that fate has chosen another partner for you. Just thank the person for the experience that you gained while being with him, and disperse, maintaining a good friendship. It will be as adult as possible.
I'm shy about my partner
How to understand that it is time to leave if you caught yourself thinking that you are embarrassed by your partner?
For example, friends invited you to visit and told you to come with a guy. What are your thoughts? If you think that your man is not worthy of meeting your friends, then your relationship is definitely a problem. If you respect your soulmate and really love, you will never have doubts whether to take your boyfriend with your friends or not. You need to be proud of your loved one. And if you don’t think he deserves it, think about the break.
Pay attention to the behavior of your young man. Perhaps your relationship is built on manipulation, control and humiliation. Who says you have to endure all this? Urgent leave such a guy, you must be smarter and more adult than him. If you are uncomfortable in a relationship, and you feel moral abuse from a partner, run away from such a person.
Relations without respect
If your man does not respect your interests and values, then why do you need him? Your other half should approve of your actions, hobbies and activities. You should not be afraid that he will say how he will look at you in a certain situation.
Moreover, knowing about your man’s attitude to your hobbies, you will often begin to underestimate and hide the facts. After all, you will think that you will be humiliated and insulted. Why endure all this and stay with such a person?
Think about it now: is your boyfriend giving you enough time? Do you always have enough of his attention? If your answer is “no,” then how do you understand that it’s time to leave?
If you are used to the fact that the other half constantly ignores your messages, answers dryly and is not at all interested in your life, we hasten to note that this is an unhealthy relationship. Yes, of course, a person may have things to do, he may be busy with something, and therefore you will not be answered. But if such communication with half-day breaks turned into constant, then something is wrong here. Talk to your heart-to-heart partner. Maybe his feelings faded or he, in principle, now does not need a relationship? You must not live in ignorance. The sooner you find out the reason for your boyfriend’s behavior, the better. After all, you will either realize earlier that all the experiences were in vain, and calm down, or reduce your love story to nothing.
Relations at a distance
Did you know that 3.7% of Russian couples are now in a long distance relationship? And with half of them still manages to maintain love. But if you feel that it’s not yours, how to understand that it’s time to leave?
Before making loud promises, you need to weigh everything and make a difficult decision. Think (and better with your partner) how you will keep in touch, how often you can meet, what opportunities exist to see each other:
- If you think that relations at a distance are impossible and the partner must always be near, then, of course, everything leads to the end.
- If you are a very emotional person who cannot live without tactile and physical contacts, as well as without frequent meetings, then you should also abandon the relationship. They will not make you happy.
- If you are confident in a partner and in yourself, and you know for sure that both will give each other a lot of attention, keep the relationship. Believe me, being far away is not as difficult as you think. Frequent calls, video conversations, chatting in instant messengers are all that can save your connection and make it more durable. Even if there are more than a thousand kilometers between you.
If you spend more time in confrontation than in the world, this is a bad sign. A normal and adequate relationship should bring joy to two partners. Adult love makes each other happy, motivates and inspires.
Who needs constant dullness in a relationship? You must understand each other, respect and hear. Live in harmony with your man, learn to compromise and communicate without swearing. Speak calmly, without pretensions, transitions to personality and unconstructive criticism.
Also get rid of the belief that you are always right. Listen to your man, enter his situation and look at the quarrel with his eyes. Perhaps you will understand why he thinks so, and not otherwise.
- For some, painful experiences become exactly what their relationship is based on.
- Blaming the partner, we lose sight of the fact that the reason for the confusion of feelings, perhaps in ourselves.
- Parting should not be an argument in a quarrel, but the result of a balanced decision.
She hardly tolerates his presence, but continues to live with him. He can no longer listen to her reproaches, but does not abandon her. According to the Federal State Statistics Service, two marriages account for an average of one divorce. But there is no data on those who remain in pairs, although everything pushes them to part.
Probably, each of us can remember our acquaintances, about whom everyone around is just thinking: “Well, why doesn’t he (she) leave?” Emptiness, longing, misunderstanding - for many years endure a similar situation before deciding and collecting things.
The hidden benefits of a relationship
In a pair we get support and understanding, learn to resolve conflicts and find compromises, grow and develop internally. Communicating with a partner, we better recognize ourselves, heal our childhood wounds and feel safe. But what holds us back if the couple no longer has dialogue and the joy of being together?
Some of us value the image of the family they managed to create. Most modern men and women perceive separation as the collapse of their ideal of life, because we want to believe that marriage is “once and for all life”. According to a survey conducted by Tiburon Research in 2011, 79% of those who are married and 57% of those who are divorced agree with this.
“When I had to tell my parents that my wife and I were getting a divorce, I couldn’t force myself to look my father in the eye,” said 29-year-old Sergey. “I knew he would blame me.” From his point of view, a man is not worthy to be called a man if he could not save his family. ”
If we live with the idea of ourselves as a victim, we will most likely stay in a pair where we play this role
“The longer the couple remains unified, the more difficult it is to break the“ family wrapper, ”says family psychotherapist Inna Hamitova. - Holds the common memory and the feeling that when parting, part of life will be crossed out, depreciated. Often added to this is the fear of the future. But sometimes it’s the painful experiences of the partners that turn out to be a cement, cementing relations. ”
“Life is suffering”, “A woman must endure everything, if only the children have a father”, “Better a bad family than no” - the family psychotherapist gives examples of beliefs that do not allow breaking the connection, even when she became painful. “Partners remain in the union if this union supports their image of themselves and the world,” Inna Khamitova summarizes. “For example, if we live with the idea of ourselves as a victim, we will most likely stay in a couple where we play this role.”
Fear of emptiness
45-year-old Tatyana recalls how for almost 8 years she did not dare to part with her husband. “He kept squealing: look at yourself, who needs you like that? And I believed that. “- Tatyana recalls. Some of us can hardly stand not only loneliness, but even the thought of it. They are afraid to be faced with a deep, disturbing emptiness.
“The hardest thing is to cope with it for those who in childhood did not receive enough love or were abandoned by one of the parents,” says psychologist Marise Vayan. — Оставшись в одиночестве, они чувствуют себя нелюбимыми, а значит, плохими и заново переживают свое прошлое страдание. Они готовы вынести многое — скуку, агрессию, презрение, — лишь бы избежать этого».
Неизбежным результатом становится cнижение самооценки. Возникает замкнутый круг: чем ниже самооценка, тем меньше веры в свои силы и тем труднее расстаться. Если такое дисфункциональное партнерство длится долго, самооценка падает. All this is reflected in sexual relations: they either do not bring pleasure, or are generally absent.
The partners develop the habit of not allowing themselves to reflect on what is really happening with them
“Such couples often consist of a woman who is afraid of her desire, and a man who is afraid of the woman’s desire,” continues Maryse Wyane. - Indeed, to agree to do without sex, you need two. Two - to agree to be unhappy together. "
Partners develop a habit of suppressing their feelings and not allow themselves to reflect on what is really happening to them. So it was with 54-year-old Ivan, who left home after 20 years of marriage.
“For the last ten years I have been busy with something all the time, trying not to think,” says Ivan. - We met with friends, helped children, worked like crazy - and all these ten years have been unhappy, I don’t know why. I didn’t even want to ask myself this question, because he would drag a chain of others along with him. But my friends were worried, seeing that I was depressed, that I was spleen and annoyed. I did not listen to them until one of them asked directly what was stopping me from leaving. I did not find what to answer him. And left".
“My mother-in-law freed me”
Inna, 44 years old, anesthetist
“I grew up without a father and got married pretty early on to a good, decent man in every respect. For fifteen years in a row I did everything as expected: I raised two sons, kept a house, I had a favorite job, an attentive husband, and good friends. And we got along well with my mother-in-law, she helped me a lot: advised, supported, sat with my grandchildren.
And at the same time, deep down I knew that I married more by calculation than by love: I just wanted to always have protection, a reliable family. I had no attraction to my husband. Sensuality completely disappeared from our lives, but I always had explanations: children, worries, fatigue. But still, sometimes such a melancholy rolled over that I wanted to drop everything and leave. I immersed myself in work - and it became easier. Thought: I will not do it with my own hands to ruin my house, so cozy, so dear!
And then the mother-in-law died. Some balance was disturbed, and this pushed me "to the exit." Once I met a childhood friend, we got into a conversation, started remembering. They recalled a classmate - my first love. I carefully asked if she knew where he was now. “Do you want his coordinates?” She immediately responded.
More than a month passed before I decided to call. But when we met, we could no longer tear ourselves apart. In the end, I got divorced. But so far I am asking myself: would I have had the courage to call, and then divorce my husband, if my mother-in-law was alive, this strong woman who "kept" our family? I'm not sure about it".
The gap is like an accusation
There are many couples in which everyone blames the other, not realizing that the reason for the confusion of feelings is in himself. The partner becomes a scapegoat, the object of aggression. Love is intertwined with hatred, and the couple closes in their microcosm, not even trying to find a way out.
“Two are fighting for family happiness, but they are not aware that each of them has their own idea of how this happiness should be,” Inna Khamitova describes a typical situation. - It seems that the other deliberately interferes and spoils everything. Mutual accusations begin, and in this struggle what else could have been destroyed. The gap becomes another way to shout to another: "It's all your fault!" In this case, the divorce does not solve problems, but gives rise to new ones.
“Parting always hurts,” the gestalt therapist Daniil Khlomov emphasizes. “We know this and therefore sometimes use it as the last argument in a dispute - in a fit of emotion or out of a desire to punish another for the suffering that, we believe, is what he caused us.” But no matter how we injure another, it will not heal our own wounds. ”
Perhaps it would be more useful for us to pause and ask ourselves: “What if something is wrong with me?” Some couples experience a whole series of breaks that are accompanied by violent emotions each time. “Each of these partners has such a high threshold of sensitivity that they are simply unable to perceive sadness or joy — only suffering or delight,” Inna Khamitova notes. “To feel alive, they need not just events, but blows of fate.” They need strong emotions, otherwise life seems fake. "
37-year-old Natalya was convinced that she had no right to leave an unemployed friend with whom they had lived for five years, because without her he would disappear. “When the bouts of his bad mood became unbearable, I ran away,” recalls Natalya. - And then she returned again to help him gain the recognition that he deserved, but still could not get.
“You live as if you were closing your eyes,” my closest friend once told me sadly. And at that moment everything turned upside down: I suddenly saw that my feelings, thoughts, plans, desires do not matter even to me myself - only what happens to him seems important. It really scared me! Only then did I leave seriously. ”
Often a break is gradually prepared for months, sometimes even for years, until some event, meeting, phrase or stranger's eye, like a flash, makes us see the situation in a new way. And what seemed impossible becomes clear: it's time to leave.
“Why am I staying if I have not been happy for a long time?” - this is the question that you first need to ask yourself, ”Inna Khamitova is sure. “To ask him is to go part of the way.” And the next step can be carried out with the help of a psychotherapist: it is very difficult to single-handedly recognize the unconscious arguments that made us forget about ourselves for many years. ”
“Staying in pairs is no longer a matter of life and death,” emphasizes Daniil Khlomov. - For centuries, leaving the family, the woman was doomed to dishonor, and the man left his wife and children without a breadwinner. Nowadays, the choice between saving and divorcing is not so dramatic.
Women, like men, are now economically independent. And the types of alliances have become much more diverse. Some practice open marriage or something that resembles a business partnership or friendship. Partnerships can include more than two participants: if this suits everyone, then why not? The challenge is to find the type of relationship that suits us. ”
No one is obligated to remain in a relationship that is not satisfying. But you must be able to accurately choose the moment of separation, so as not to hate each other.
“For someone who does not dare to break off relations, although he realizes that they have not satisfied him for a long time, I advise you not to delay too long so as not to be poisoned by the venom of malice,” says Marise Vayan. - Some devalue everything that they experienced together, hoping in this way to save themselves from suffering and regrets. But such a strategy makes it difficult to objectively analyze the causes of the gap and draw lessons. "
Each family is a project, uniting two to achieve specific goals. And when they are achieved, the project ends
If someone thinks that with the help of parting he will be able to "clear" of the past, cease to be what he was before, and start everything from a new sheet, then this is a very romantic look, and he is far from reality. “Parting does not mean that all of our common past will disappear,” continues Daniil Khlomov. “I know the habits of this person, I know how to talk with him, - and this knowledge will not go anywhere, it will always be with me.”
In the ideal case, parting means increasing the distance between partners, and not a painful gap. Even if love and the desire to stay together pass, you can maintain respect for yourself and your former partner. After all, something united us once, for some reason we needed each other and lived together part of our life.
Sometimes a couple can surprise you. “Anton and I got married right after graduation and divorced when the children grew up,” recalls 58-year-old Marina. - We each engaged in our own lives, worked, made novels. And then we met to talk ... and suddenly found that we again want to be together. Our grandchildren were at our second wedding! ”
“Each family is a project, uniting two to achieve certain goals,” concludes the gestalt therapist Daniil Khlomov. “And when they are achieved, the project is completed.” Life in a couple comes to an end when the unspoken agreement that lies at its core expires. But nothing prevents us from agreeing on the terms of the new union.
Divorce. for trial
Before finally breaking up, some couples try a preliminary separation. What is it - an opportunity to see the situation more clearly or a peculiar run-up to jump better?
“If it’s always painful to part, then it’s important to weigh which pain is stronger: from the presence of a person or from his absence,” says a gestalt therapist Daniil Khlomov. “But while we are together, it is difficult for us to clearly understand what our feelings will be when we find ourselves apart.” A test breakup lets you know this. And then a divorce, if it does take place, will be a balanced decision. ”
Family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova agrees that a pause will allow one to distance oneself from the conflict, weigh everything more calmly, and think to what extent the partners are attached to each other.
“If we leave, slamming the door and blaming the other for all sins, we take with us a huge baggage of negative emotions. And we are not able to start a new life: the burden of unmanaged feelings will pull back, ”warns Inna Khamitova. “It’s useful to simply disperse in different directions, literally move away from each other, in terms of physical distance, to understand ourselves, to think about a partner without an excess of feelings, and with a cold head decide whether the couple has prospects.”